sitting here in front of my screen,
never knowing if this is all a dream…
it seems so right but feels so wrong
i haven’t felt things like this for so long.
what broke the cycle breaks me apart
and all i want to do is go back, restart
at a different age, at a different time
when loving you doesn’t feel like a crime.
wondering day and night,
every day a struggle, a fight.
when will i wake from this reverie?
my head burns from the vicious thoughts
that circle round my head,
jaws snapping,
ready to close down
on my throat and drag me under.
each day passes with a blur,
and inside im nothing but
a jumbled up mess,
cracking, taped, bursting at the seams.
im smiling on the outside
broken on the inside
living life as it goes,
and if there’s anything i know,
it’s getting crazier.
my mind is in a constant buzz
but no single stream of thought
gets through my haze of emotion.
every time it’s almost,
quite nearly,
very maybe,
probably…
my heart stopped for the second time this month
and i realize just how delicate the balance
of the world is. a single tick of a second
would manage to bring everything tumbling down.
red ribbons folded and woven
into a heart that cradles
a folded message,
a gift from the heart,
is easily ripped apart again,
crushed and discarded.
the first breath i take when i awake
from the comforting cradle of the moon,
i gaze at the day as a mere passerby
but sometimes, i am not immune.
it is precisely those moments
when i succumb to the raging storm within.
my fingers fly to create quick splashes of raindrops
to retell my thoughts of what has been.
a spark to start me in an instant,
a memory to be imprinted in ink
on the blank space soon to be filled
with the thoughts that i think.
people, places, ideas, things,
and then there are the verbs
and the colorful adjectives
that love to poke and disturb…
i guess i never know what inspires me.
it changes as the days blur on by.
the pale cold rays
of the sun’s first rise
belies the full blown heat
that fries the ground
under my feet,
turning everything
into an oven.
blackened cheetah tear tracks,
freshly made day by day.
never to fade,
carve it deeper.
from a thousand miles
above and beyond the stars,
our spirits danced to
the music of laughter.
the joyful screams and laughter
only seem to weigh my heart down
because i realize just how selfish
they can be.
i’m an outcast.
in my dreams you linger on the edge,
between reality and fiction.
my deepest yearning and my greatest fear
battle as the stars shift across the sky.
i’m left with an empty chest,
my heart at your disposal.
i don’t know if i’m just stupid
or i refuse to change
from this mindset that never fails
to tighten my chest,
send spasms across my heart
as if the organ decided to try to run that marathon
but ends up falling
and crawling
and dying.
there’s a race every day.
the rain is my tears that streaks down
and pummels the earth so hard.
the thunder is the loud beat of my heart
so that you can hear it, wherever you are.
i sit here alone, in the dark,
thinking about every single moment
that i hold dear to me,
and the storm rages on
as i talk to the moon.
each idea tossed into a bin
never to look at again:
forever just scribbles in ink,
washed away by tears.
my heart’s a battle ground from all of the forces
that swirl in and take me, an artery at a time.
i must confess that i feel weaker every day,
my body abandoned in the freezing rain
to walk home in a pensive cloud
and remember…
eighteen years ago, you
were born into the world,
the world where i lived too.
by and by i got to know
just how much you mean to me.
i love you more than
i ever thought was possible,
more than what i understand
what being in love is.
thank you for showing me life.
i’ll always be your one and only,
your truly,
me.
i never thought how big the crater would be
when i hurtled down from where i stood:
i fell, fast and hard, through the stories
and now i’m hanging on a beam
over the center of the crash site,
and i don’t know what to do.
there is something beautiful
that you hold in your twin moons.
i long to gaze into your mind
and leave traces of my love
again.
the clouds seem to gather round
the bright drop of a moon.
my feelings are swirled too:
swarmed around his beautiful face,
miles and miles below it,
never to meet.
i wish it would start over again
so i could redo my mistakes
and appreciate the little things more.
