小貓QQ

to surface from the choppy waves,

to inhale the crisp air into my collapsed lungs,

favouring, yearning the slice

of the metal blade which hurls itself

through my pores…

that is truly experiencing liberation.

to gouge her eyes out and watch the flesh corrode….such a sick fantasy that struggles to become morbid reality. struggling at the boundaries of my mind! oh the wrought iron gates yearn to break open at the slightest impulse! i eagerly await the chance as i sharpen my man-made claws to perfection. 1cm wide by 1.5 cm long, the prefect length to prod out the jelly-like material which makes up the eyeballs.

but, it would be a shame to waste my nails, the short-pointed tips of beauty…why, i could just slice away by blade. 

to think of it, either way is too messy. natural expiration is taking too long for my liking. so much so that i yearn to speed up the process. turn the wine into vinegar, i say! to preserve the others from the ugly monster who so dares to walk the earth.

such a mutation of our kind, unaccepted! yet it is astonishing how normal she seems on the surface…almost favourable by first encounters…but it turns bitter at the end. oh how tides turn! waves evolve into destructive tsunamis when it is least expected!

the driest of all chuckles is appropriate here. the dry heaves working from my abdomen and exhaling repeatedly through my bronchial tubes. how i wish so badly that we were not all so scrutinized. there are reasons! reasons by which we operate, reasons that others may not deem worthy for the result…but we, ourselves know best.

and to think, i may even be a bit sad after the whole ordeal: lifeless and cold…never to speak again…never to be able to engage in harming others….yes! oh yes! i would be so terribly burdened by this. why yes my eyes are brimming with tears now….

yes i am mad. batty, to the most.

forgive me, for i am insane.

to admonish the anonymous and be ambiguous, one must be infinitely astute, chimerical and evoke the virtuoso who determines which enigma to set forth for them all. to penetrate the parochial, pessimism as well as scorn, one must expeditiously fetter the bizarre nature of which the audience displays incessant hostility towards the gratuitous yet unsettling as well as ponderous information. it is of absolute certainty and inevitability that one side must be obstinate while the other eventually venerates…..

vocabulary memorization is a pain, so i created a few sentences…which confuse me beyond belief -.-“

so close yet so far away!

wildly i grasp yet it slips through - 

like the sand hearts i make with both hands;

they get pulled away by gravity.

so frustratingly enticing!

such that i can taste barely a hint- 

taunting and teasing my senses;

a shadow of its true being.

the ghost of a smile

something’s eating up me inside out:

the secret side of me,

the one i never let you see.

the beast inside of me is too ugly,

and i cant believe that this is what it has become.

it was deep within,

and now its bursting to get out my skin.

its not the first time this has begun - 

i desire to scream,

hope so bad that this is a dream…

but i know i am losing control.

it has breached.

everything is being lost. specifics are too hard to pinpoint, but it has been collapsing in the world. around me, on top of me.

crushed lungs and deep lacerations from the whirlwind of life. and just when i think i finally hit rock bottom…im tossed through the tectonic plates and strewn further downwards into the pit of molten rock.

barren lands filled with nothing but tumbleweeds and the occasional sand storm…a sanctuary of nothingness, yet the vast comprehension of everything - brutal heat and frigid cold.

and so the turbulent winds toss me as if i were a rag doll, through the misting clouds and shards of ice, spiraling upwards into the cool air of the stratospheres…and finally a break! the splash of refreshing, liquid surroundings…zero gravity.

my collapsed lungs struggle to take a breath. even though my mind screams no, my heart bellows the opposite, and so my chest contracts and inhales. a brief moment of respite! such hope, such promise! barely a gasp of my newfound equanimity, and i am thrown back into disparity; such a fallacious world. and so irrevocable…of opulent corruption, spurious notion, and protracted procrastination.

a while ago, my laptop kept on shutting down for no apparent reason…and so i’m using my mom’s laptop for everything else. so, its back to the retail store…

aside from the shitty weather and travel, there was a technician we had to deal with. “unfortunately, ma’am…the computer cannot be fixed here. you’ve got to bring it back to the manufacturer—-” “why yes it is very unfortunate, for you anyway…as you are so incompetent to complete your job…how you get hired anyway?” “ma’am…” “no dont you ma’am me, sir. you take that computer and you go fix it right now. not my problem if you sell me faulty equipment.” “ma’am…” “now what did i say about that? aint my fault that you sell bad computers, so its you’re fault! and you go fix it iight? this conversation is over. i will be there at 9am to pick it up and it had better be fixed. good day. because i seriously doubt you will have one.”

some powerful conversation there, yeah? -.-“

has there ever been a friend, who had contagious laughter? it certainly feels as if i am surrounded by them…and i’m dying from terminal happiness -.-“

with all the cheek cramps from smiling and crows feet around the eyes from laughter…i am in need of ICU~

there is a lot of anger circling me, 400 devils with a combined will to pursue the depletion of my mind. where is the angel when i need him? where is His guiding hand? 

what i feel and what i think, does it really matter anymore? only a portion of what i do pleases them…and the rest…

constantly being replaced by others, being shadowed in appearance, achievements and obedience. my worst nightmare has become a reality. the replacement is not of blood relations, but of money and of formal politeness…it just really gets old sometimes.

what i would do just to smile in this house, what i would do just to stay positive always and forever. but there is no such thing as that is there in the world? always pessimism outweighing the optimism. 

hunger, defined as a craving or urgent need for a specific nutrient. by what i’m looking for, i have been anorexic for years. metaphorically speaking, i’m storing on the negative fat for decades and forced beyond myself to abstain from the good.

criticism never stuck on a good note with me, always on the avalanche. surfing on the tsunamis and never even close to the eye of the hurricane. the harshest yet from the most familiar….and yet, they do not even know it.

questions, too many questions. not enough answers. searching…searching…never finding. only can hope that one day that it will surface, that i will finally stop being anchored to the bottom of the deepest ocean, wedged in a crack so tiny that there is doubt if a ray of sun protrudes.

incessant.